Small deal or big deal
by Cece and Tems
Summary: SasuSaku. "For twenty-four hours you're not to have access to you ‘special’ vault" Without his porn vault, Kakashi forms a plan to fufill his 'needs' including Sasuke and Sakura. SasuSaku. Rated M for suggestiveness. Doses of crack, here and there.


Well I was proof reading 'Sasuke's Wake up Call' when I came across the porn avalanche bit I wrote and thought what would happen if Kakashi was pornless, and thus this fic lives. This is also a (late) b'day pressie to my fellow Narutotard/Friend Jordan. I rated this M to be on the safe side but I'm not sure if it could have gone in T.

Kakashi's main thoughts are in italics...he's also the narrator.

**Note: **When the characters break the fourth wall, which happens only once, I symbolize who's talking in the following way. _Kakashi_, Naruto, **Sakura** and Sasuke. Hope you all understand what I'm going on about when you approach that particular part of the fic.

Disclaimer: If I was Kishi-sensei I would do other things...like buy a baby monkey.

Expect mistakes, too tired to proof read, haven't slept well for a while, will correct later.

* * *

-TAURUS-

Mid-day

"Kakashi, this is an A-rank mission-

"I want one, why does he-

"SHUT UP NARUTO!"

"But Baaaaa-chaaaaan!?"

"Shut up Dobe."

"Eh? You shut up Teme!"

"Usuratonkachi!"

"Both of you SHUT UP!"

Sakura's super hurtful, power punches GO!

"You didn't have to hit us Sakura-chan."

"ARE YOU ALL DONE? I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER!"

"Hai."

"Okay, Kakashi, for twenty-four hours you are not to have access to you 'special' vault, do you understa-

**THUD**.

"HE'S NOT BREATHING!"

"KAKASHI-SENSEI?!" pause "TEME JUST DON'T STAND THERE!"

"..."

"SAKURA! STOP SCREAMING AND DO SOMETHING!"

"I CAN SEE THE LIGHT! I MUSN'T GO NEAR IT!"

"NARUTO! YOU'RE NOT DIEING!"

"THE POWER OF YOUTH REPELS YOU!"

"Gai?...STOP FLLICKING HIM WITH HOLY WATER!"

_I can't believe I'm going to die this way...wait...why is __Gai__ here during my last moments? And why is he acting as if I'm possessed?_

"GAI-SENSEI YOU ARE THE BEST AT GETTING RID OF UNYOUTHNESS-LESS!"

...

"Wait, who's going to teach me how to get Mangekyou Sharingan?"

TAURUS

2:00

_Sitting in my living room, in a corner with my head bowed, I occasionally lifted my head to watch team remove everything from my porn vault...I promised that I would die protecting them but they betrayed me!__ When I was forced to show them the location of my special place I looked each of them in the eye, __pushed__ my bed aside and opened the hatch, LIKE A MAN!_

Kakashi-sensei, that didn't happen.

_Naruto__, go away, I'm telling the story for once_.

**But you're telling lies**.

_Sakura, shush._

All of you are getting on my nerves, here's what actually happened.

-flashback-

I was forced to help clear my perverted sensei's vault, and just by hearing these orders from Hokage-sama I knew that he'd make a scene. Pounding obnoxiously on the door, the dobe yelled his name...for over thirty minutes; Kakashi was too much of a baby to open the door.

By the time we had kicked down the door, we searched for Kakashi who was in his bedroom crying -_there was something in my eye_- over how much he'll miss his porn. An hour and a tantrum (by Kakashi) later we finally found out where he kept his 'prized' possessions. Clinging on to my legs crying –_THERE WAS SOMETHING IN MY EYE_ - I helped clear the demeaning object which against my will were to be stored in my house.

-end flashback-

_Wow, __Sasuke__ said more than three words...anyway, DON'T BELIEVE HIM!_

-TAURUS-

2:00

_Alone._

_That's how I feel._

_No women in skimpy underwear._

_No __Icha __Icha__ books._

_No lemons._

_NOTHING._

_The copy cat ninja reduced to a baby without a bottle._

_And worst of all I was forced to go to __Ichiraku's_

_Oh yeah...__Sai__ was there as well...seems like he got suckered into going, like me._

"Hi, welcome to Ichiraku's."

"Hi Ayame! I want one order of each type of ramen on page one..."

"Okay and I would like-

"two, three and four."

"Naruto, don't interrupt me...and that's _everything_ on the menu excluding drinks"

"Sorry Sakura-chan."

"Anyway, I want miso ramen please, what about you Sasuke?"

"The same."

"Sai, what about you?"

"Chicken."

"Okay and how about Kakashi-sensei?"

"Is he okay, does he not like our ramen or this place?"

"It's not your fault Ayame."

_Looking around I was met by two worried faces, stoic glances and the grinning face of __Naruto__, who wasn't even really looking at me but instead drooling over his ramen which was being made._

"I'm fine; I just don't feel like eating."

_MY PORN! __Why__ do they __**hate**__ me so!? I'm their sensei, don't they care about me!_

2:45

"Naruto, where do you put it all?"

"Maybe he tries to make himself feel better by eating to his heart's content, to make up for the fact that he has no dick."

"Hn."

"What did the traitor say, Hag."

_If you're wondering as well, here's a translation of what '__hn__' means in this case:_

_I miss __orochi__- I threatened to destroy my village and almost succeeded all because my __lovely __sensei broke my heart and crushed my dreams- __maru__...okay, I made that up, I have no idea. Anyway, back to the conversation._

"Shut up Sai! I have one...look!"

"MY GLORIUS, VIRGIN EYES!"

"So you do have one...a tiny one."

"Dobe, put your pant back on," pause, "its okay Sakura."

_As __Sasuke__ cradled Sakura against his chest, shielding her from the 'horrors' _(1) _of a pants less __Naruto__, I hoped that __Sasuke__ would follow __Naruto's__ example and take our little Sakura, right now, for my porn deprived eye to gaze upon. _**(A/N: He really is perverted to ****want to watch his students d****o the bed sheet tango.)**

"SASUKE, MY PRODIGY, STOP BEING A GAY, CHIKEN ASS HAIRED EMO AND SATISFY OUR CHERRY BLOSSOMS NEEDS!"

"Kakashi-sensei?"

"Kakashi?"

"Eep" blushes and pulls away.

"... " glares and lets go of Sakura.

_Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have said that out loud. __Hehehe__. Wow, the atmosphere is tense._

-TAURUS-

3:00

_I know what to do! I shall get Sakura to go into the river, which will make her __white summer dress__ wet and see through, clinging to her newly developed curves,- not that I noticed _(shifty eye)_- whilst I make sure __Sasuke__ witnesses this and then watch as he rebuild his clan._

_Perfect._

"MWAHAHAHA!"

"Kakashi-sensei, why are you laughing maniacally?"

"Ignore him, dickless he's just going crazy."

"Hn."

_Time to put my plan into action._

"Hey Sakura, let's see how far you chakra control has come along."

"Oh, okay, what do you want me to do."

"Go to the river bank."

"Yes."

"And jump into the lake."

"Huh?"

"Jump."

"No."

"I'm your sensei, you have to do as I say."

"I'm not jumping in there."

"Do I need to push you in."

Punch

"Wow, it's a new 'How far can Sakura-chan punch you' record and this time I'm not receiving the punch"

-TAURUS-

5:00

_Okay, everyone knows for a fact that __Sasuke__ is overprotective, competitive and easily jealous.__ So in theory, if I got someone who likes Sakura to ask her out, __Sasuke__ will claim her as his by deflowering her__... well after he beats up the guy__. Or maybe, if I'm lucky, I might witness a threesome...I pray that the Gods will give me the opportunity and pleasure of gazing upon, with star filled memorised eyes on the scene of a threesome. _

"Yes!"

Four simultaneous sweat drops.

"I think he's finally turned crazy."

"I knew that when he tried to push me in a lake."

"Maybe we should take him to the hospital."

_Now, who should I get to be the poor sucker?_

"YOUTH! GAI-SENSEI, THIS IS A GREAT WORD FOR THE DAY!"

_Bingo__. Wait. What? Youth is the word of the day. They say that dreaded word every day. Anyway, I need an excuse to get away._

"I have to go to the...uh...BYE!"

"Wait! We were going to take you to the hospital!"

-TAURUS-

5:05

"Yo! Lee"

_Running as fast as I could, I had managed to catch up with Lee._

"Hai, Kakashi-san! (2)"

"How do I say this? Well, Sakura, being a shy girl, is finding it hard lately to talk about her feelings for a _certain_" wink "someone, if you know what I mean, eh Lee." Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.

_Hoping he understood, __i__ waited for Lee to catch on._

_Why is he silent?_

_He looks confused. Seems like he __**only **__understands __Gai's__ nonsense. Ah __wel__l, I'll just tell him._

"Sakura like you"

3

2

1

Brain overload, brain overload.

"MY _SAKURA-SAN_ LIKES** ME**!!"

"...Yes..."

"YOSH! I SHALL FIND HER!"

"Wait Lee, you have competition, you **have** to plan this out carefully or you'll loose her."

"What should I do?" pause "Who wants Sakura-san as well?"

"I wasn't supposed to say anything but it's Sasuke, so ask her out before he does _but _don't tell her it's a date or she will know I told you, understand?"

"Yes!"

"Okay, well I'll be seeing you."

_This generation is so__ easy to manipulate._

-TAURUS-

5:20

_When I reached my team, __Naruto__, Sai__ and __Sasuke__ were watching- _or glaring in Sasuke's case- _at Lee as he talked to Sakura. As Lee left they then turned their attention towards Sakura _–or again in Sasuke's case, continued glaring at Lee until he was out of sight, lessened his glare and **then **turned his attention towards Sakura.

"Sakura-chan, what did he say?!"

"He wanted to have dinner with me today."

"Wow, the Hag got asked out on a date."

"It's not a date, he said so himself, he just wanted to talk since we've both been busy and haven't seen each other in a while so I agreed" pause "Sasuke, are you okay, you look angry and is that the-

"MANGEKYOU SHARINGAN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

"Naruto stop screaming whilst running in circles."

6:00

"I miss Sakura-chan! Now I'm surrouned by Sasuke-teme, Sai-teme and the perverted weirdo."

"Dickless, the Hag has only been gone for 5 minutes."

"YEA! But you're all boring."

_Silently I watched my favourite __stu_- woops! Tsunda-sama said I can't call Sasuke that- _anyway, I watched him as he seethed over the 'date' and most likely is thinking of ways to harm, maim or kill Lee._

"Hey, Sasuke-teme where are you going?"

_Silence.__..well that's what everyone probably expect__ed__ without me telling__ you all_.

"HEY DON'T IGNORE ME!"

_Oh oh, this isn't good. I wanted Sasuke to appear when Lee and Sakura are having 'coffee' at Sakura's house and there to be passionate words exchanged between all three of them, leading to them doing the bed sheet tango whilst I watched..._ (sniff, sniff)_ I wanted my threesome._

"WHY! GODS OF INTERCOURSE, DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH! I ALWAYS THANKED YOU IN MY PRAYERS!"

"Sai I think we should leave, he's scaring me," pause "You left me as well!"

_Standing alone, I __wept__ manly tears of sorrow._

-TAURUS-

7:00

_Waiting in the shadows for Lee to arrive, I watched as Sakura stood outside the restaurant and couldn't help but feel somewhat guilty. I was about to reveal myself when __Sasuke__ approached her, making her face completely light up. Leaving them alone to do what they wanted_- whilst hoping that my perverted dreams won't come true since we really need an able, non-pregnant medic-nin on the team- _I turned around one last time to see them walk inside._

_Maybe for _**once **_happy endings will happen for team 7...or at least most of team 7 minus me _(sniff, sniff)

"MY ETERNAL RIVAL! LEE'S IN HOSPITAL!"

_That explains what happened to Lee; it would be odd that he stood her up._

-TAURUS-

The next day.

7:00

"Ohayo, Teme, Sakura-chan!"

"Ohayo, Naruto...Kakashi-sensei?!"

"Yea, I know...he's _early_."

"Hn."

"Seriously, what does 'hn' mean?"

_Carefully observing Sakura since she's easier to get the truth from, I waited for her to look in my direction, so that I can trap her in my all powerful 'I KNOW WHAT YOU DID BUT I WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU FIRST TO MAKE YOU SUFFER' gaze._

"Ano Kakashi-sensei? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Oh I was just wondering why did you and Sasuke arrive _TOGETHER_ and why are you standing **soo** close?"

"I think Tsunad-shishou is calling me...bye!"

"Wow, who knew Sakura could run so fast? Look at that trail of smoke she's leaving behind her."

"Traitor, are you blushing?"

"Shut up, replacement, why are you still even on this team?"

"Weren't you taught never to answer a question with another question?"

"Hey Teme, you are blushing, is there something going on between you two?"

"Okay Naruto, Sai stop making fun of him...though Sasuke, I'm happy to find out you're not gay, but still who knows, you might be using Sakura to make us think you're not, anyway, let's start sparring"

"KAKASHI-SENSEI!"

"I'm right next to you."

"...I WAN TO FIGHT SAI FOR TREATING ME TO RAMEN, LAST NIGHT, AND NOT PAYING!"

_My aching head._

"I said 'let's go and eat whatever you want, I don't mind', I said nothing about paying."

"I HAD TO PAY FOR 26 BOWLS!"

_Ignoring __Naruto's__ ramblings I stood next to __Sasuke_.

"I guess I'm sparring against you then, Kakashi."

"Joy..."

-TAURUS-

11:00

_Lying in the hospital bed my successor put me in, I contemplated on how instead of seeing some action, my students got some. Ah well, maybe I'll become an Uncle and there's only one more hour until I get my porn..._

Insert starry eyed Kakashi.

Insert tears of joy.

Insert a "YES!"

-Outside the door-

"What's going on in there?"

"He's been like that for a while."

"Yeah, yelling random things."

"Dickless, ran screaming that he's possessed."

"Hn."

"I see, maybe this is a side affect form emptying his porn vault, I think all of you should get his precious belongings out of Sasuke's house and return them."

"Hai."

"Actually Sakura, Sasuke, how was the food last night or better yet, Sasuke have you told Sakura about how and why Lee has sevre burns and is mentally unstable?"

"Food! What food! I think Shizune-nee-chan is calling me!"

Glare, "Hn", blush, walk away.

"The young are so easily embarrassed"

-TAURUS-

Mid-day

By the time I arrived home, which the Hokage ordered me to do, I was filled with suprise, awe, fulfilment and completion, as my porn returned.

"SUPRISE!"

"Hn."

Silence from Sai.

"THE VOID IS FILLED!"

"...suprise?..."

"Hn?"

Silence again for Sai

Insert 4 simultaneous sweat drops.

Insert Kakashi crying.

"Okay...Sasuke-teme, Sai-teme, be more enthusiastic, Sakura-chan and I can't be the ones carrying this group."

"Naruto's right, we need to congratulate Kaka...HE'S DEAD!...wait...no...he fainted again."

"Sakura-chan's going to make us carry him to hospital again, isn't she."

* * *

**A/N: **Wow, it's the end. This took me ages to finish and I even then it was a bit late by 3 days. I literally ended up having to think about doing an all nighter, dressed in my nice pjs, drinking coffee to keep me awake... Review please, I tried hard. Would be helpful if you point out mistakes so that when I get round to it, I can correct it. **(Edit: 4 Aug 2008)**

1 – **SPOILER **'horrors' is in air quotes as Sakura is a pervert, which is proved by Konohamaru's special (wink, wink) 'jutsu' (wink, wink) in chapter 347.

2- I had no idea of what title Lee would give Kakashi so I put –san.


End file.
